LibriVox Forum

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

What do Mexicans have under their carpets?


"Underlay, underlay!"



(There might conceivably be problems with the international comprehensibility of that joke, but it makes me giggle...)

Then explain it in precise and intricate detail. Then I will laugh.

A friend of mine is in hospital having poisoned himself. He mistook a daffodil bulb for an onion. He's going to be alright, he's been in hospital for a while but the doctor says he should be coming out in the spring.

Whilst I was visiting him they had a pianist playing some soothing music to aid the patients' recovery. A little old lady kept asking if they could change him for a jazz pianist. A nurse told me she was in looking for a hip replacement.

When ill myself the doctor asked me what was wrong with me. I told him I was meant to ask that!

He gave me some medecine and told me to drink it after a hot bath. Next time I saw him he asked how I got on with the medecine but I said I'd only managed half the bath yet

Cardiology... the study of knitwear.

They say laughter is the best medicine, sometimes it's the other way round.

Roger

On the way home I popped into a pet shop to buy a fish. The assistant asked
'Would you like an aquarium?'
I said
'Mate, I don't care what star sign it is.'.

Whilst there I asked him for a wasp.
He said
'Sorry sir, we don't sell wasps.'
I replied
'But you've got some in the window.'

Hee Hee
Roger

O.K. here is another hopefully good joke

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very, proud of his. Cher claims that she took on three. We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

WHAT IS IT?

I will post the answer later my tonight!


--Hazel

catchpenny wrote:Then explain it in precise and intricate detail. Then I will laugh.

The English pronunciation of "underlay" sounds like "andale"

*presuming it was asked seriously*

How did the red dot move?

Come on. Somebody's got to try to answer this!

Robinsgirl wrote:How did the red dot move?

It grew legs and walked away!

Hazel Pethig wrote:Come on. Somebody's got to try to answer this!

Fish?

Robinsgirl wrote:

Hazel Pethig wrote:Come on. Somebody's got to try to answer this!

Fish?

When in doubt say fish!

O.K. while this sounds like a dirty joke, it's not really.


And the answer is... A last name!

--hazel

... MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! You had my whole family confused!! We were like!!! Is this dirty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's a really good one, Hazel!!!