Tell a joke

Starlite · Post by **Starlite** » March 24th, 2009, 6:47 pm

GROAN....

Rogerstaxi · Post by **Rogerstaxi** » March 27th, 2009, 6:14 am

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Rogerstaxi · Post by **Rogerstaxi** » March 27th, 2009, 6:30 am

I used to have a pet newt.
I called him Tiny
because he was my newt.

Julila · Post by **Julila** » March 27th, 2009, 6:31 am

Two nuns are driving down the road in Transylvania and all of a sudden a great, big, scary vampire jumps out right in front of the car. So one nun says to the other: "Show him your cross!" So she winds down the window, leans out and says: "GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU TOOTHY GIT!"

credits go to Vicar of Dibley

Rogerstaxi · Post by **Rogerstaxi** » March 27th, 2009, 6:46 am

My mother had two experiences of being jumped out on.

Firstly a depraved old sex maniac jumped out and totally ignored her.
She didn't get over it for weeks.

Then, at the height of Winter, with snow all around and -10c,
a flasher in a dirty old mac jumped out and described himself to her.

Post by **aradlaw** » March 27th, 2009, 1:54 pm

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
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The bride's best friend is so proud, she's practically made of honor.
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Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was just baptizing him...in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.
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The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.
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A flat-rate poetry tax would be a perverse form of greed.
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I need to do my philosophy homework but I just Kant.

Post by **aradlaw** » March 27th, 2009, 1:57 pm

Mountie investigation

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

'YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR STUPID BADGE!'

Robinsgirl · Post by **Robinsgirl** » March 27th, 2009, 8:14 pm

LOL LOL LOL LOL!! OMG STOP IT I...I...I...I...I CANT BREATHE!!!!! OMG!!! Lol Ya'll are killing me!

Post by **Kikisaulite** » March 28th, 2009, 2:21 am

"Mountie investigation" is a good one!

Bigbuckhunter · Post by **Bigbuckhunter** » March 28th, 2009, 11:32 am

Tom and Joe had been hunting on an older gentleman's property for years. When they showed up for the start of hunting season one year, they see 'NO TRESSPASSING' signs all over the place. Tom tells Joe to stay in the car while he goes up to the house to find out what's going on. When he asked the gentleman if they could still hunt, the gentleman replied, "Sure you can, and do me a favor, would you? While you're out there, shoot my cow as it justs runs all over and I can't keep track of it anyway." Tom agrees, and heads back to the car. When he got back to the car, he decides to play a trick on Joe, and says, "That old man won't let us hunt, so I'm going to go shoot his cow!" He walks out there and shoots the cow. He then hears 2 shots, and his friend Joe yelling, "I GOT THE CAT AND THE DOG TOO! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

Rob

Rob

Post by **aradlaw** » March 30th, 2009, 12:59 pm

Only great minds can read this:

This is weird, but interesting!

fI yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Xarroc · Post by **Xarroc** » March 30th, 2009, 3:37 pm

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[Link removed by Admin]

catchpenny · Post by **catchpenny** » April 1st, 2009, 10:56 am

Why do bagpipe players march? To get away from the noise.

How do you tune a banjo? No one knows.

Post by **aradlaw** » April 1st, 2009, 12:47 pm

catchpenny wrote:Why do bagpipe players march? To get away from the noise.

A(2) Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
But then they run the risk of someone breaking in and leaving another set of bagpipes.

Hokuspokus · Post by **Hokuspokus** » April 1st, 2009, 12:49 pm

aradlaw wrote:Only great minds can read this:

This is weird, but interesting!

fI yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

It is so funny. It really works