Tell a joke

Everything except LibriVox (yes, this is where knitting gets discussed. Now includes non-LV Volunteers Wanted projects)
kukailimoku
Posts: 262
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku » December 9th, 2016, 6:02 pm

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/

Hazel Pethig
Posts: 870
Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Location: Vancouver Island BC

Post by Hazel Pethig » December 9th, 2016, 6:22 pm

What do you call a painter with flatulence?

Artsy fartsy

--Hazel
[size=150][i][color=cyan]Eat.[/color] [color=blue]Sleep.[/color] [color=darkblue]Read.[/color] [color=indigo]Repeat.[/color][/i][/size]

aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Location: Nottawasaga Bay
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Post by aradlaw » December 13th, 2016, 8:02 am

How to fall down the stairs.

Step 1
Step 6
Step 7, 8, 9, 11
____

Steps to survive on a dessert island.
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy.

____

My friend told me that I need to stop singing I'm a believer because
it was getting annoying and I laughed because I though she was kidding

but then I saw her face.
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!

kukailimoku
Posts: 262
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku » December 13th, 2016, 10:51 am

For the choral singers in the crowd:

The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singers and the conductor.

- Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure or has just raised her arms to start a piece of music.
- Bury your head in the music just before the first downbeat of each song. Keep it there.
- Loudly clear your throat during pauses.
- Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
- Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.
- Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
- When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If she hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been someone else, probably in the bass section.
- When working on a piece in a new language, interrupt the rehearsal to ensure you’re getting a new word correctly. Say the word twice and ask her preference, making sure to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/

Peter Why
Posts: 4200
Joined: November 24th, 2005, 3:54 am
Location: Chigwell (North-East London, U.K.)

Post by Peter Why » December 19th, 2016, 12:27 am

I saw a mention of the "gorilla golf joke" when I was reading my way through the Peanuts cartoon strips. When I did an internet search, I found this link to a page of golf jokes. I'm not a player, but I still found quite a few worth a snort or a smile.

http://www.kellys.com/golf/jokes.html

Peter
"Anyone who believes that exponential growth can go on forever in a finite world is either a madman or an economist." Kenneth Boulding, 1973

barbara2
Posts: 1646
Joined: June 24th, 2012, 10:28 pm
Location: Australia

Post by barbara2 » December 19th, 2016, 4:38 am

kukailimoku wrote:For the choral singers in the crowd:

The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singers and the conductor.

snip...

Tell the choir:Don't mind me, chat among yourselves.

Best,

Barbara

SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 1091
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles » December 21st, 2016, 1:40 pm

Hmm, no mention of what Harry Secombe used to call "The Tenor's Friend". Also known as "The Baritone's Buddy".

SOTE
"Sorry, my tongue got in the way of my eye-tooth, and I couldn't see what I was saying..."
_________________
My LV catalogue page
Son of the Exiles YouTube Channel

kukailimoku
Posts: 262
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku » December 21st, 2016, 3:10 pm

Along the same lines, for us conductor-types, the rules:

The music stand you get will wobble.
Singers late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the first row.
The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them.
At least one music folder will be left behind after each rehearsal.
It will usually belong to the same singer.
If it is not the same singer, there will be no name in the folder.
Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question.
You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked.
At least one name will be left off the concert program.
It will be the wife of the largest sponsor’s president.
If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected for the program.
If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will.
At concert festivals, three other choirs will sing your toughest piece.
All three perform before you do, and sing it better.
Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next rehearsal.
At least one mobile phone will ring during a rehearsal.
You will have explicitly given a speech about turning them off just minutes before.
At least one member of the chorus will forget to change the key with everyone else. They will be singing the loudest
If there is a long, dramatic fermata in the piece, at least one singer will keep singing.
He will be a bass.
He will sing fortissimo.
He will sing out of tune.
And my favorite: The least believable sentence in conducting: “One more time”
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/

Kangaroo692
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Location: Probably the holodeck :)
Contact:

Post by Kangaroo692 » December 21st, 2016, 3:14 pm

That is great! :lol:

annise
LibriVox Admin Team
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Location: Melbourne,Australia

Post by annise » December 21st, 2016, 5:00 pm

Sounds a bit like LibriVox is sometimes :D

Anne

tovarisch
Posts: 2393
Joined: February 24th, 2013, 7:14 am
Location: New Hampshire, USA

Post by tovarisch » December 21st, 2016, 5:20 pm

kukailimoku wrote:Along the same lines, for us conductor-types, the rules:

...
And my favorite: The least believable sentence in conducting: “One more time”
I believe it ought to be "One last time"
tovarisch
  • reality prompts me to scale down my reading, sorry to say
    to PLers: do correct my pronunciation please

kukailimoku
Posts: 262
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku » December 22nd, 2016, 6:10 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/

kukailimoku
Posts: 262
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku » December 28th, 2016, 3:51 pm

What's the world without a little Grouch Marx?

- I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
- Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.
- Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
- [locked in a bathroom] Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!
- I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
- Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/

mjfillen
Posts: 41
Joined: June 8th, 2014, 2:31 pm

Post by mjfillen » January 10th, 2017, 1:46 pm

You are sooo skinny, you have to walk past a spot twice to cast a shadow there
You are sooo skinny, people debate whether you are two dimensional or three.
You are sooo skinny, you trip in the library and fall between book pages

mjfillen
Posts: 41
Joined: June 8th, 2014, 2:31 pm

Post by mjfillen » January 11th, 2017, 2:31 pm

You are sooo fat, you have your own personal GPS satellites to help you identify where to tighten your belt.
You are sooo fat, black holes scream as they fall into you.
You are sooo fat, light from the beginning of the universe has not had enough time to reach from one side of you to the other.

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