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Post Posted:: September 30th, 2015, 7:17 am 

Joined: September 24th, 2014, 10:26 am
Posts: 833
Location: In a galaxy far far away...
LOL!!!!!!!!!


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Post Posted:: September 30th, 2015, 7:56 pm 
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Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.

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Post Posted:: October 1st, 2015, 6:59 am 

Joined: July 15th, 2015, 6:42 am
Posts: 3128
Location: California, USA
Very good!

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Post Posted:: October 11th, 2015, 3:10 pm 

Joined: August 17th, 2010, 12:02 am
Posts: 498
Location: Point Richmond, CA
Would you call a Twitter tweeter a twit?

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Be kind. Be interesting. Be useful. Morality ain't hard.--Jack Butler, Living in Little Rock with Miss Little Rock


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Post Posted:: October 17th, 2015, 8:21 pm 

Joined: December 29th, 2008, 8:37 am
Posts: 856
Location: Bluffton, IN
Customer: I'd like a cup of coffee without cream, please.

Waiter: Were all out of cream, would you like a cup of coffee without milk instead?

An oldie, but I watched Ninotchka last weekend and couldn't resist.

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Help us record The Joss: A Reversion. A tale of weird horror from the author of The Beetle. Not a dramatic reading, but a novel told in 4 short narrations (~8 sections each, ~2500 words/section) we need three more!


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Post Posted:: October 25th, 2015, 5:11 am 
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
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Location: Nottawasaga Bay
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,

Thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your memory back. That will be $500."Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back."

(giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

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* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
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Post Posted:: December 27th, 2015, 4:41 pm 

Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Posts: 822
Location: Sydney, Australia
It really happened.

" The re-entry of Skylab came as quite a surprise for the residents of the Australian Shire of Esperance, and a light-hearted $400 fine was imposed on NASA for littering their territory. The debt was never paid.

After some further digging, Barley decided to call the Esperance mayor’s office to investigate whether or not the fine was still valid. After receiving the standard “no, NASA’s fine was written off years ago” message from Esperance, Barley was determined to make good on NASA’s debt, despite the fact it no longer existed.

So, using his reach on Highway Radio (you’d hear the DJ’s voice on the I15 when traveling to and from Las Vegas and LA, near the small city of Barstow), he appealed to his listeners to help pay NASA’s fine. Sure enough, he received a healthy response; listeners at home sent a couple of dollars and a local gym pledged that they’d match anyone that sends in a $50 donation, should someone feel generous. Sure enough with the help of small donations from listeners at home, truckers and businesses, the $400 was raised.

Triumphantly, Scott Barley wrote a $400 check and posted it to the Shire of Esperance. The 30 year debt was officially paid.

He heard nothing from Western Australia for two months.

But when he did hear something, it was a personal invite for him to fly to Australia. Esperance wanted the Californian radio host to be their guest of honor at the Esperance-Skylab 30th Anniversary celebrations this weekend, giving him three days of free accommodation. On Sunday July 12, Barley will present a comedy-sized jumbo check from the Highway Radio listeners, for the total amount of $400, finally paying off NASA’s debt.


http://news.discovery.com/space/celebrating-july-13-skylab-esperance-day.htm

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Post Posted:: June 27th, 2016, 10:11 am 
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
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Location: Nottawasaga Bay
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree.That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.

No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary.

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* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
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Post Posted:: July 1st, 2016, 3:52 pm 

Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm
Posts: 255
This one hurt so bad that I needed to get it out of my brain by sharing it with you.



I hope it works.



Don't say I didn't warn you.



If you stop now you're going to be better off.



Seriously.



All right...you asked for it.



How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

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http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/


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Post Posted:: October 21st, 2016, 6:15 am 
LibriVox Admin Team

Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Posts: 11622
Location: Nottawasaga Bay
kukailimoku wrote:
This one hurt so bad that I needed to get it out of my brain by sharing it with you.
<<groan>>


Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police aound 2 a.m.
And was asked where he was going at that time of day.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really, Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
* The Christmas Hirelings - 7 sections available


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Post Posted:: October 30th, 2016, 2:00 pm 
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
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Location: Nottawasaga Bay
I think it has become obvious that Medicine companies have no idea what fruit tasted like.

Could you imagine the blueprints to build an Ikea store ?

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real world.

Do gun manuals have a 'Trouble Shooting' section ?

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* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
* The Christmas Hirelings - 7 sections available


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Post Posted:: October 31st, 2016, 2:21 pm 

Joined: May 20th, 2013, 10:39 am
Posts: 43
Location: Indiana, US
I just found this thread, so I don't know if these have already been told.

Why are they called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.


Why did Adele cross the road?

To say "Hello from the other side."

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Post Posted:: October 31st, 2016, 4:41 pm 

Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm
Posts: 255
I hate it when I’m singing along with the radio and the artist gets the words wrong.

My neighbors listen to some excellent music…whether they like it or not.

I can’t understand how people get eaten by sharks…can’t they hear the music?

What’s more embarrassing than having your cell phone blast out a song at a funeral?
If it’s playing “I Will Survive”.

What’s more embarrassing than having your cell phone blast out a song at a funeral for a woman named Susan?
If it’s playing “Wake Up Lil’ Susie”.

If you choose to listen to music at work, make it a live album. That way, no matter what you do, you’ll get applause every three or four minutes.

Do you really think that turning down the music in your car will help you find a street sign?

I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what’s going on.

I don’t sing in the shower…I perform!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s just…
…wait for it…
…wait for it…
a soap opera.

(And no, I will NOT apologize for that one. A good groan is just as much fun as a laugh.)

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

It doesn’t matter how old you are or how smart you are, you’re still going to sing the ABC’s in your head to figure out which letter comes next. And yes, “ELEMENO” is one word.

You never know just how dirty a song’s lyrics are until you hear a 6-year-old sing them.

Sometimes I look at people and start singing in my head…”If I Only Had a Brain”.

I don’t always sing and bob my head to the beat when I’m in the car, but when I do I quit and act normal at stop lights.

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Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/


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Post Posted:: November 1st, 2016, 12:45 am 

Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Posts: 822
Location: Sydney, Australia
Pity poor Descartes. His very existence depends upon him never saying "I don't know".

SOTE

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Post Posted:: December 9th, 2016, 5:50 pm 

Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Posts: 870
Location: Vancouver Island BC
So, quite a few posts back I said that if you say gullible v-e-r-y slowly it sounds like "green beans"
Sitting at work yesterday shooting the breeze with my boss I told him the very same thing.
He was halfway through the second gullible before he realized!
I haven't laughed so hard at work in a long time!

--Hazel

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