Tell a joke

Everything except LibriVox (yes, this is where knitting gets discussed. Now includes non-LV Volunteers Wanted projects)
DrewJ
Posts: 832
Joined: July 16th, 2013, 5:30 pm
Location: Memphis
Contact:

Post by DrewJ » December 6th, 2013, 5:16 pm

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
4. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
5. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
6. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
7. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
8. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
9. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
10. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
11. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
12. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won. -Second Witch
Read some poetry?

MultiMrWeb
Posts: 202
Joined: January 8th, 2013, 12:04 pm
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Contact:

Post by MultiMrWeb » December 7th, 2013, 9:37 am

OH YEAH!!! that's awesome!!

Great Joke!! :clap: :clap:
Sincerely, Me
-----------------------------------
The Would You Rather Topic (Forum Game)

Check out my awesome StartPage, all hand coded by myself.
My Tech News blog Teccstuff.
My Twitter account.

CatsRule
Posts: 5
Joined: January 2nd, 2014, 6:00 pm

Post by CatsRule » January 5th, 2014, 11:28 am

Your mom is so blonde...
...when she was pregnant, she knew who was the father, but she didn't know who was the mother.

MariaS
Posts: 180
Joined: November 4th, 2013, 9:04 am
Location: Pacific Northwest, USA

Post by MariaS » February 4th, 2014, 8:30 am

What's another word for thesaurus?
Maria S.
________
To reach something good it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience. St Teresa of Avila

Hobbit
Posts: 3528
Joined: January 10th, 2012, 7:17 pm
Location: Indiana

Post by Hobbit » February 9th, 2014, 7:41 pm

An old married couple had a fight. Both the husband and wife were very stubborn people, and they stayed angry at each other all day. That evening, as they were driving down the road, they passed a field full of mules. The husband nodded over at the animals.
"Relatives of yours?" he asked his wife.
"Yep," she replied with a smile. "In-laws."
Between being a full-time college student and working 20+ hours per week, I'm not able to be involved at LV these days, but I remain a loyal fan and look forward to a triumphant return sometime in the (probably distant) future.

wib66
Posts: 8510
Joined: January 5th, 2012, 8:57 am

Post by wib66 » February 18th, 2014, 4:40 am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? "


Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/sherlockholmesjoke.html
Michele

Family matters means I will be away for a while and will catch up on my return.
It's much better to do good in a way that no one knows anything about it. From Anna Karenina

KiltedDragon
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 6864
Joined: February 23rd, 2009, 11:37 am
Location: Brooklyn, Michigan
Contact:

Post by KiltedDragon » February 20th, 2014, 5:15 pm

THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Barry
My Recordings
Darn books! I have stuff to do!

WoollyBee
Posts: 4769
Joined: January 9th, 2013, 9:08 am
Location: NY

Post by WoollyBee » February 20th, 2014, 6:40 pm

Ha! Good one, Barry!

KiltedDragon
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 6864
Joined: February 23rd, 2009, 11:37 am
Location: Brooklyn, Michigan
Contact:

Post by KiltedDragon » July 10th, 2015, 10:11 am

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barry
My Recordings
Darn books! I have stuff to do!

aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 12401
Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Location: Nottawasaga Bay
Contact:

Post by aradlaw » July 10th, 2015, 1:53 pm

A Touching Golf Story

Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!

TriciaG
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 38396
Joined: June 15th, 2008, 10:30 pm
Location: Toronto, ON (but Minnesotan to age 32)

Post by TriciaG » July 10th, 2015, 2:03 pm

aradlaw wrote:A Touching Golf Story

Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.
I was drinking when I got to the punchline. Bad decision. :P
Fiction, partly about jail atrocities: It Is Never too Late to Mend
E E Cummings' time in French prison: The Enormous Room
21st Century Policing recommendations: LINK

Boomcoach
Posts: 853
Joined: December 29th, 2008, 8:37 am
Location: Bluffton, IN
Contact:

Post by Boomcoach » July 10th, 2015, 10:01 pm

A day in the life of a Greek tailor:

"Euminides?"

"Yes, Euripedes?"

-----
Boomcoach

Boomcoach
Posts: 853
Joined: December 29th, 2008, 8:37 am
Location: Bluffton, IN
Contact:

Post by Boomcoach » July 10th, 2015, 10:02 pm

If I was God, I would still be an atheist; I've never had faith in myself.

-----
Boomcoach

Boomcoach
Posts: 853
Joined: December 29th, 2008, 8:37 am
Location: Bluffton, IN
Contact:

Post by Boomcoach » July 10th, 2015, 10:07 pm

Last one for tonight:

I went into a bar in southern Indiana. Sitting at the bar, I ordered a beer an then told the bartender, "Come here! I have a great Kentucky joke!"

The bartender looked at me for a minute, then said, "OK, but I have to warn you, I was a linebacker for UK. This guy next to you wrestled for UK, and the guy behind you is a hand to hand specialist in the Kentucky National Guard. Go ahead, tell your joke."

I looked around, then back at the bartender. "Never mind, it's not funny enough to explain three times!"

------
Boomcoach

KiltedDragon
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 6864
Joined: February 23rd, 2009, 11:37 am
Location: Brooklyn, Michigan
Contact:

Post by KiltedDragon » July 11th, 2015, 5:38 pm

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Barry
My Recordings
Darn books! I have stuff to do!

Post Reply