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SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 2649
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles »

When Life hands you a lemon, you make Whiskey Sours.
Currently on sabbatical from Librivox
beautifuljose

Post by beautifuljose »

"When I call American Airlines and I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again. I know she doesn't care about me and my white-people problems. Why would you? I'm in my underwear, 'Hi, I have a layover in Dallas and it's really long.' 'Oh, really, I haven't had a clean glass of water in ten years. Two of my kids died this morning and I still came to work. I can hear you're fat over the phone.'" (c) Louis C.K.
SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 2649
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles »

If ants are such hard workers, where do they find the time to go to all those picnics?


Chris
Currently on sabbatical from Librivox
kukailimoku
Posts: 264
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku »

A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so he handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/
realisticspeakers
Posts: 2033
Joined: December 6th, 2010, 5:15 pm

Post by realisticspeakers »

A man from China came to the United States with his family for a vacation.

He goes to the bank to exchange 1000 Yuan for Dollars.

The bank teller gives him 145 dollars.

Three days later the man comes back with another 1000 Yuan and the bank teller only gives him 142 dollars.

The man asks "Why?"

The teller tells him, "Fluctuations".

The man yells back, "Fluctuamericans!"
Truth exists for the wise, Beauty for a feeling heart: They belong to each other. - Beethoven
Disclaimer:
"Kind reader, if this our performance doth in aught fall short of promise, blame not our good intent, but our unperfect wit."
realisticspeakers
Posts: 2033
Joined: December 6th, 2010, 5:15 pm

Post by realisticspeakers »

Doc says I have good news and bad news.

"Give me the good news first, Doc."

"We're naming the disease after you."
Truth exists for the wise, Beauty for a feeling heart: They belong to each other. - Beethoven
Disclaimer:
"Kind reader, if this our performance doth in aught fall short of promise, blame not our good intent, but our unperfect wit."
aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
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Post by aradlaw »

BE DECISIVE
Right or wrong,
Make a decision.
The Road to Life is paved with
FLAT SQUIRRELS
Who couldn't make up their minds.
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
amitsharma
Posts: 118
Joined: August 19th, 2018, 6:54 am
Location: Bhopal, India

Post by amitsharma »

How The Economy Really Works!

It is the month of May, in Dublin. It is raining, and the place looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Then, one day, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters a hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, saying that he did not like any of them, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how most Governments do business today!
Amit Sharma, CC

"You can call me crazy, but you're just jealous that the voices don't talk to you."
realisticspeakers
Posts: 2033
Joined: December 6th, 2010, 5:15 pm

Post by realisticspeakers »

amitsharma wrote: December 9th, 2018, 9:30 am How The Economy Really Works!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how most Governments do business today!
I'm laughing and crying and very confused...viewtopic.php?f=9&t=61820
Truth exists for the wise, Beauty for a feeling heart: They belong to each other. - Beethoven
Disclaimer:
"Kind reader, if this our performance doth in aught fall short of promise, blame not our good intent, but our unperfect wit."
aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Contact:

Post by aradlaw »

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions... until they kicked him out of the cinema.
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 2649
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles »

"Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash."


Mental note: In the future, don't eat too much sash.
Currently on sabbatical from Librivox
SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 2649
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles »

As the grazing cow said, “Never take a horse gift in the mouth.”
Currently on sabbatical from Librivox
mightyfelix
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 11082
Joined: August 7th, 2016, 6:39 pm

Post by mightyfelix »

SonOfTheExiles wrote: February 26th, 2019, 6:12 pm As the grazing cow said, “Never take a horse gift in the mouth.”
I had to think about that one for a minute! :lol: :lol: :D
ColleenMc
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 2785
Joined: April 9th, 2017, 5:57 pm

Post by ColleenMc »

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a gin and tonic...and a mop."

I like that joke extra because I heard it from Neil Gaiman.

Colleen
Colleen McMahon

No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai
lymiewithpurpose
Posts: 2184
Joined: January 18th, 2019, 6:26 pm

Post by lymiewithpurpose »

ColleenMc wrote: March 1st, 2019, 8:31 am A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a gin and tonic...and a mop."
My dad uses that joke all the time - he thinks it's the funniest thing ever. I was so confused until he explained it to me :lol:
Campbell
pronouns: they/them
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