What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner
Tell a joke
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catchpenny
- Posts: 1020
- Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
- Location: The here and now
Anyone can read accurately. [i]I[/i] read with great expression.
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Rogerstaxi
- Posts: 39
- Joined: March 5th, 2008, 1:31 pm
- Location: Birmingham, UK
Know any good 'Name' jokes?
What do you call -
A man standing by the sea? Cliff
A man standing between two houses? Ali
A man with a spade? Doug
A man without a spade? Douglas
A man who's finished with a spade? Phil
A man under a pile of leaves? Russell
A woman with a pint mug on her head? Beatrix
A woman with a pint mug on her head
working with clay? Beatrix Potter
A man with a bird's beak? Bill
A man who might? Willy
A man with a tree on his head? Edward
A man with meat and veg on his head? Stu
A man who looks a picture? Art
A man burried for a long time? Pete
Roger
What do you call -
A man standing by the sea? Cliff
A man standing between two houses? Ali
A man with a spade? Doug
A man without a spade? Douglas
A man who's finished with a spade? Phil
A man under a pile of leaves? Russell
A woman with a pint mug on her head? Beatrix
A woman with a pint mug on her head
working with clay? Beatrix Potter
A man with a bird's beak? Bill
A man who might? Willy
A man with a tree on his head? Edward
A man with meat and veg on his head? Stu
A man who looks a picture? Art
A man burried for a long time? Pete
Roger
A man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? MattRogerstaxi wrote:Know any good 'Name' jokes?
What do you call -
A man standing by the sea? Cliff
A man standing between two houses? Ali
A man with a spade? Doug
A man without a spade? Douglas
A man who's finished with a spade? Phil
A man under a pile of leaves? Russell
A woman with a pint mug on her head? Beatrix
A woman with a pint mug on her head
working with clay? Beatrix Potter
A man with a bird's beak? Bill
A man who might? Willy
A man with a tree on his head? Edward
A man with meat and veg on his head? Stu
A man who looks a picture? Art
A man burried for a long time? Pete
Roger
A man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob
Karen S.
Who Runs the Human Body?
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
The FBI, CIA, and LAPD
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling,"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
The FBI, CIA, and LAPD
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling,"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
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aradlaw
- LibriVox Admin Team
- Posts: 19017
- Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario
- Contact:
Today's Market Activity:
Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
David Lawrence
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
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aradlaw
- LibriVox Admin Team
- Posts: 19017
- Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario
- Contact:
A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
______
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
______
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
David Lawrence
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
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Rogerstaxi
- Posts: 39
- Joined: March 5th, 2008, 1:31 pm
- Location: Birmingham, UK
Talking of children, I must tell you about my three sons.
They were all named after the date of their birth.
George was born on St.George's day,
Patrick was born on St. Patrick's day,
and as for my other son, Pancake...
They were all named after the date of their birth.
George was born on St.George's day,
Patrick was born on St. Patrick's day,
and as for my other son, Pancake...
What does the wife do if her husband runs zig-zag through the garden?
Keep shooting
Keep shooting
Elli
"Tiefer und tiefer zogen die Buchstaben ihn hinab, wie ein Strudel aus Tinte...dorthin wo auch Staubfinger verschwunden war. An den Ort, an dem alle Geschichten enden." (Cornelia Funke)
"Tiefer und tiefer zogen die Buchstaben ihn hinab, wie ein Strudel aus Tinte...dorthin wo auch Staubfinger verschwunden war. An den Ort, an dem alle Geschichten enden." (Cornelia Funke)
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catchpenny
- Posts: 1020
- Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
- Location: The here and now
What's the difference between an accordionist and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.
A bus driver was telling me he named his niece and nephew. So of course I asked him what he named them. "The girl I named Denise." Then he stopped. "What did you name the boy?" was my innocent question. "Denephew."
The terrorist has sympathizers.
A bus driver was telling me he named his niece and nephew. So of course I asked him what he named them. "The girl I named Denise." Then he stopped. "What did you name the boy?" was my innocent question. "Denephew."
Anyone can read accurately. [i]I[/i] read with great expression.
ring ... ring ...
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey." says Bob. "Is your mommy near the phone?"
"No. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about the man she was with?"
"Uncle Frank jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? ... Is this 555-7039?"
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey." says Bob. "Is your mommy near the phone?"
"No. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about the man she was with?"
"Uncle Frank jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? ... Is this 555-7039?"
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catchpenny
- Posts: 1020
- Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
- Location: The here and now
A T-shirt Idea told me by the violin sectional leader. A bunch of bagpipers stand in the background, while in the foreground stands a character from star wars. (Some guy named I think obi wan kenobi, I am a big fan, as you can undoubtedly tell) The captioning reads, "These aren't the drones you're looking for."
A T-shirt she actually saw had a fermata on it; the captioning read: "Hold me, I'm a fermata."
A T-shirt she actually saw had a fermata on it; the captioning read: "Hold me, I'm a fermata."
Anyone can read accurately. [i]I[/i] read with great expression.
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catchpenny
- Posts: 1020
- Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
- Location: The here and now
7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Anyone can read accurately. [i]I[/i] read with great expression.
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aradlaw
- LibriVox Admin Team
- Posts: 19017
- Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario
- Contact:
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
David Lawrence
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
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Rogerstaxi
- Posts: 39
- Joined: March 5th, 2008, 1:31 pm
- Location: Birmingham, UK
Working my way through a really heavy going book at the moment...
and when I've coloured in all of this one I'm going to start another.
Courtesy of Ken Bruce on Radio 2.
and when I've coloured in all of this one I'm going to start another.
Courtesy of Ken Bruce on Radio 2.
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aradlaw
- LibriVox Admin Team
- Posts: 19017
- Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario
- Contact:
...(It's not as naughty as you might think)
You're not going to believe this, then again... it's from the UK
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001
You're not going to believe this, then again... it's from the UK
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1137883380?bctid=17075685001
David Lawrence
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!
* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!