Tell a joke

mjfillen · Post by **mjfillen** » January 15th, 2017, 6:57 pm

*A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! and they were back home. The brunette wished to be at home with their family. Poof! and they were back home with their family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

*There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore, they swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

*A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, "I look fat," and dies. The brunette says, " I look skinny," and dies. The blonde says, "I think..." and dies.

*A blonde was at the store, and just as they were heading for their car, someone stole it. The policemen asked, "Did you see the guy that did it?" The blonde said, "No, but I got the license plate."

*Did you hear about the blondes that froze to death at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Redpill · Post by **Redpill** » January 28th, 2017, 2:38 am

I found this one on another board, but really love it:

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."

The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'

Now what would you say?"

kukailimoku · Post by **kukailimoku** » January 30th, 2017, 11:26 am

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," he replied, "I'm just a really lousy golfer."

kukailimoku · Post by **kukailimoku** » February 4th, 2017, 10:29 am

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked ."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

(Some old men can still think fast.)

SonOfTheExiles · Post by **SonOfTheExiles** » May 14th, 2017, 2:44 pm

Chocolate comes from cacao.
Which is a tree.
That makes it a plant.
Chocolate is salad!

Johndec · Post by **Johndec** » October 4th, 2017, 6:07 am

Did you hear about the frog who parked in the middle of the road?

He got toad away...

realisticspeakers · Post by **realisticspeakers** » October 5th, 2017, 7:09 am

I went to the zoo yesterday.

They only had one animal.

It was a shitzu.

Post by **aradlaw** » October 7th, 2017, 9:23 am

GROANER(S) for the Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend!

1. What's the most musical part of a turkey?
The drumstick!
2. What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
3. What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A poultrygeist!
4. What are unhappy cranberries called?
Blueberries!
5. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Post by **mightyfelix** » October 28th, 2017, 10:44 pm

Did you hear about when the Joker ran over Batman and Robin with a steamroller?

They had to change their names to Flatman and Ribbon.
____________
What do you call it when you wipe all the surfaces in your kitchen with a dirty towel?

Counter-productive.

Post by **aradlaw** » November 13th, 2017, 12:16 pm

Mrs. Green lived in a two story house together with an elderly widow.

After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.

"John", she called to her six year old son, "do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is."

So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson's door.

"So how is she?" asked Mrs Green when John came back up.

"How is she?", repeated John. "I've never seen her so mad in my life, she said it's none of your business how old she is."

watekinslet · Post by **watekinslet** » January 26th, 2018, 5:49 am

What happened to the passengers when a blue ship collided with a red ship? They got marooned.

venus12 · Post by **venus12** » February 20th, 2018, 5:49 am

What do librarians use for bait when fishing? Bookworms

Post by **mightyfelix** » February 20th, 2018, 9:35 am

What do English teachers eat for breakfast?

Synonym rolls!

Post by **aradlaw** » February 21st, 2018, 9:59 am

Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

Alligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

I just realized that I've been spelling "Radar" backwards all these years.

eringrassie · Post by **eringrassie** » March 8th, 2018, 9:39 pm

What kind of trains do ballerinas ride in?

A tutu train.