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Chrisczech
Posts: 367
Joined: December 29th, 2006, 9:54 am
Location: Under Heathrow flightpath, Hounslow UK
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Post by Chrisczech » March 10th, 2010, 10:32 am

In a recent survey it was found that 6 out of 7 dwarves were not happy.
[url=http://librivox.org/idle_thoughts_of_an_idle_fellow_by_jerome_k_jerome/]Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Fellow[/url] / [url=http://librivox.org/the-triumphs-of-eugene-valmont-by-robert-barr]The Triumphs Of Eugene Valmont[/url]

Starlite
Posts: 16606
Joined: April 30th, 2006, 2:17 pm
Location: Thunder Bay Ontario, Canada

Post by Starlite » March 11th, 2010, 5:19 am

Chrisczech wrote:In a recent survey it was found that 6 out of 7 dwarves were not happy.
groan.....
"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable
people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress,
therefore, depends on unreasonable people." George Bernard Shaw

tbarron
Posts: 57
Joined: March 6th, 2010, 3:17 pm
Location: Oak Ridge, TN, USA

Post by tbarron » March 11th, 2010, 6:26 am

Chrisczech wrote:In a recent survey it was found that 6 out of 7 dwarves were not happy.
But! Only one of them was grumpy!
Tom

[url=http://librivox.org/newcatalog/people_public.php?peopleid=4948]LV readings I've done[/url]

KiltedDragon
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Joined: February 23rd, 2009, 11:37 am
Location: Brooklyn, Michigan
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Post by KiltedDragon » March 11th, 2010, 6:52 am

tbarron wrote:
Chrisczech wrote:In a recent survey it was found that 6 out of 7 dwarves were not happy.
But! Only one of them was grumpy!
They were not too sure about one of them though as he was too bashful!
Barry
My Recordings
Darn stuff! I have books to read!

tbarron
Posts: 57
Joined: March 6th, 2010, 3:17 pm
Location: Oak Ridge, TN, USA

Post by tbarron » March 11th, 2010, 8:48 pm

The difference between a cat and a comma?








One has its pause at the end of its clause, while the other ...
Tom

[url=http://librivox.org/newcatalog/people_public.php?peopleid=4948]LV readings I've done[/url]

Hazel Pethig
Posts: 874
Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Location: Vancouver Island BC

Post by Hazel Pethig » March 14th, 2010, 10:02 pm

You know you are a red neck when...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23 You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph

Sorry to any red necks, it's all in jest!

--Hazel
[size=150][i][color=cyan]Eat.[/color] [color=blue]Sleep.[/color] [color=darkblue]Read.[/color] [color=indigo]Repeat.[/color][/i][/size]

tbarron
Posts: 57
Joined: March 6th, 2010, 3:17 pm
Location: Oak Ridge, TN, USA

Post by tbarron » March 17th, 2010, 4:37 am

A woman read about health and diet and decided to take charge of her health and her husband's. She started paying attention to their diet -- she cut out meat, reduced their fat intake, prepared mostly whole plant foods, and so forth. She started exercising every day and got her husband to start, too. They lived long, happy lives, but it was always a struggle to stay on their diet and keep up with their exercise routine.

Finally, one day when the husband was 100 and the wife was 98, they were hit by a truck while crossing a street.

When they arrived in heaven, St Peter showed them around. First, he showed them the house they would live in in heaven. It was a beautiful, large mansion situated on a golf course. The man loved playing golf, so he was very excited.

"How much is this going to cost me?" he asked St Peter.

"Nothing!" was the reply. "You're in heaven now. You don't have to worry about a thing. Everything is provided. Come look at the golf course."

They walked along the course and the man grew even more excited. It was beautiful! "No greens fees?" asked the man in disbelief.

"No greens fees," agreed St Peter. "Come on up to the clubhouse and see how nice it is."

They got to the clubhouse and looked around. There was pro shop (everything free!) and a lounge (alcoholic drinks, but you never got too intoxicated) and a nice cafe. In the cafe was an exquisite buffet. Anything you wanted could be found at this buffet. Of course it was free. "But what about the fat?" asked the wife. "We still need to be careful about what we eat."

"No, actually you don't," said St Peter. "You're in heaven now. Nothing bad can happen to you. You can't get heart disease or stroke or cancer. You can eat whatever you want. You'll never get fat or sick. Help yourselves to the buffet."

As they took plates and started down the buffet line, it all started to sink in. The man turned to his wife and said, "You know, if it hadn't been for you and your oatmeal cookies and exercise, we could have been here a lot sooner!"
Tom

[url=http://librivox.org/newcatalog/people_public.php?peopleid=4948]LV readings I've done[/url]

Hazel Pethig
Posts: 874
Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Location: Vancouver Island BC

Post by Hazel Pethig » March 17th, 2010, 9:44 am

Why women should have dogs instead of husbands...
- The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
-A dog's parents never visit.
-Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
-A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

And the best one...
-If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

--Hazel
[size=150][i][color=cyan]Eat.[/color] [color=blue]Sleep.[/color] [color=darkblue]Read.[/color] [color=indigo]Repeat.[/color][/i][/size]

aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
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Location: Nottawasaga Bay, Ontario
Contact:

Post by aradlaw » March 20th, 2010, 3:56 am

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!

tbarron
Posts: 57
Joined: March 6th, 2010, 3:17 pm
Location: Oak Ridge, TN, USA

Post by tbarron » March 23rd, 2010, 2:45 pm

Most folks are not aware that Edgar Allen Poe visited Indonesia and actually fell in love with a woman from the Dyak tribe. They made a plan to meet in the woods and run away, but she had foot problems, so she never made it to the Poe-Dyak tryst.
Tom

[url=http://librivox.org/newcatalog/people_public.php?peopleid=4948]LV readings I've done[/url]

tbarron
Posts: 57
Joined: March 6th, 2010, 3:17 pm
Location: Oak Ridge, TN, USA

Post by tbarron » March 26th, 2010, 4:35 am

Did you ever hear about the cross-eyed schoolteacher?






She had trouble with her pupils.






Every time she cried, the tears ran down the back of her neck.







That gave her bacteria.







Okay, it's over. ;)
Tom

[url=http://librivox.org/newcatalog/people_public.php?peopleid=4948]LV readings I've done[/url]

Starlite
Posts: 16606
Joined: April 30th, 2006, 2:17 pm
Location: Thunder Bay Ontario, Canada

Post by Starlite » March 26th, 2010, 6:25 pm

Groan
"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable
people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress,
therefore, depends on unreasonable people." George Bernard Shaw

catchpenny
Posts: 1026
Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
Location: The here and now

Post by catchpenny » April 5th, 2010, 8:49 pm

A Sunday school teacher was quizzing her students as to the meaning of Easter.
Johnny: "It is when a man in a red suit gives out presents and goes down the chimney."
Teacher: "No, You are think of Christmas. Emma?"

Emma: "It's When we shoot off Fire works?"

Teacher: "No, that's Forth of July. Justin?"

Justin: "It's when Jesus comes out of a tomb...

Teacher: "Finally! Yes, that's correct."

....and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter!"
Anyone can read accurately. [i]I[/i] read with great expression.

KiltedDragon
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Joined: February 23rd, 2009, 11:37 am
Location: Brooklyn, Michigan
Contact:

Post by KiltedDragon » April 6th, 2010, 6:20 am

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs." I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison."
Barry
My Recordings
Darn stuff! I have books to read!

tbarron
Posts: 57
Joined: March 6th, 2010, 3:17 pm
Location: Oak Ridge, TN, USA

Post by tbarron » April 7th, 2010, 5:04 am

An Irish guy living in Cheyenne, Wyoming, goes to a bar and orders three beers. The bar tender delivers the beers to his table and watches as he slowly drinks them, one after the other. When he orders the second round, the bar tender suggests the second and third beers will be cooler if he waits to order them until he's ready to drink them.

"Oh, that's alright. This is how I spend time with my two brothers. One of them stayed behind in Ireland, the other went to Australia. When we left home, we agreed that we'd each go the bar and drink three beers every Wednesday to stay connected. So ordering the three at a time is part of the ritual, you see."

So the bar tender brings his three beers, he drinks them, and leaves.

This pattern repeats week after week. The regulars in the bar hear the story and they begin to watch for the "Wednesday Irishman" each week.

After several months, the Irishman comes in one Wednesday and orders only two beers! Everyone looks at each other, surmising what might have happened. When he brings the two beers to Mick's table, the bar tender says quietly, "I'm very sorry for your loss."

Mick looks up for a moment at the bar tender's serious, sorrowful face, then laughs as he realizes what the bar tender is thinking. "Oh, it's nothing like that. Everyone's fine. I heard from Tom and Ian just last week. It's just that I've decided to stop drinking you see."
Tom

[url=http://librivox.org/newcatalog/people_public.php?peopleid=4948]LV readings I've done[/url]

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