Tell a joke

Everything except LibriVox (yes, this is where knitting gets discussed. Now includes non-LV Volunteers Wanted projects)
SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 1153
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles » October 5th, 2018, 12:01 am

When Life hands you a lemon, you make Whiskey Sours.
"Sorry, my tongue got in the way of my eye-tooth, and I couldn't see what I was saying..."
_________________
My LV catalogue page
Son of the Exiles YouTube Channel

beautifuljose
Posts: 1
Joined: October 24th, 2018, 3:26 am
Contact:

Post by beautifuljose » October 26th, 2018, 3:00 am

"When I call American Airlines and I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again. I know she doesn't care about me and my white-people problems. Why would you? I'm in my underwear, 'Hi, I have a layover in Dallas and it's really long.' 'Oh, really, I haven't had a clean glass of water in ten years. Two of my kids died this morning and I still came to work. I can hear you're fat over the phone.'" (c) Louis C.K.
Books are amazing

SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 1153
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles » October 27th, 2018, 10:10 pm

If ants are such hard workers, where do they find the time to go to all those picnics?


Chris
"Sorry, my tongue got in the way of my eye-tooth, and I couldn't see what I was saying..."
_________________
My LV catalogue page
Son of the Exiles YouTube Channel

kukailimoku
Posts: 264
Joined: November 5th, 2014, 2:35 pm

Post by kukailimoku » November 9th, 2018, 6:37 pm

A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so he handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Why yes there IS a blog about choral singing. Thanks for asking.
http://www.thewindwardchoralsociety.org/news/

realisticspeakers
Posts: 748
Joined: December 6th, 2010, 5:15 pm

Post by realisticspeakers » November 13th, 2018, 8:25 am

A man from China came to the United States with his family for a vacation.

He goes to the bank to exchange 1000 Yuan for Dollars.

The bank teller gives him 145 dollars.

Three days later the man comes back with another 1000 Yuan and the bank teller only gives him 142 dollars.

The man asks "Why?"

The teller tells him, "Fluctuations".

The man yells back, "Fluctuamericans!"
"Kind reader,
if this our performance doth in aught fall short of promise, blame not our good intent, but our unperfect wit."

realisticspeakers
Posts: 748
Joined: December 6th, 2010, 5:15 pm

Post by realisticspeakers » December 1st, 2018, 9:27 pm

Doc says I have good news and bad news.

"Give me the good news first, Doc."

"We're naming the disease after you."
"Kind reader,
if this our performance doth in aught fall short of promise, blame not our good intent, but our unperfect wit."

aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 13136
Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Location: Nottawasaga Bay, Ontario
Contact:

Post by aradlaw » December 5th, 2018, 8:42 am

BE DECISIVE
Right or wrong,
Make a decision.
The Road to Life is paved with
FLAT SQUIRRELS
Who couldn't make up their minds.
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!

amitsharma
Posts: 127
Joined: August 19th, 2018, 6:54 am
Location: Bhopal, India

Post by amitsharma » December 9th, 2018, 9:30 am

How The Economy Really Works!

It is the month of May, in Dublin. It is raining, and the place looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Then, one day, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters a hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, saying that he did not like any of them, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how most Governments do business today!
Amit Sharma, CC

"You can call me crazy, but you're just jealous that the voices don't talk to you."

realisticspeakers
Posts: 748
Joined: December 6th, 2010, 5:15 pm

Post by realisticspeakers » December 9th, 2018, 9:37 am

amitsharma wrote:
December 9th, 2018, 9:30 am
How The Economy Really Works!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how most Governments do business today!
I'm laughing and crying and very confused...viewtopic.php?f=9&t=61820
"Kind reader,
if this our performance doth in aught fall short of promise, blame not our good intent, but our unperfect wit."

aradlaw
LibriVox Admin Team
Posts: 13136
Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Location: Nottawasaga Bay, Ontario
Contact:

Post by aradlaw » December 11th, 2018, 6:19 pm

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic, and that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions... until they kicked him out of the cinema.
David Lawrence

* Weekly & Fortnightly Poetry - Check out the Short Works forum for the latest projects!

SonOfTheExiles
Posts: 1153
Joined: December 20th, 2013, 1:14 am
Location: Sydney, Australia

Post by SonOfTheExiles » December 25th, 2018, 8:17 pm

"Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash."


Mental note: In the future, don't eat too much sash.
"Sorry, my tongue got in the way of my eye-tooth, and I couldn't see what I was saying..."
_________________
My LV catalogue page
Son of the Exiles YouTube Channel

Post Reply