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Post Posted:: December 3rd, 2008, 6:27 am 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No.1

A man goes to church and starts talking to God.

  He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says:

"God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second".

  Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says : "In a second".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No.2

Never talk to the parrot Mrs. peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He

couldn‘t accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since

she had to go to work, she told him, "I‘ll leave the key under the mat.Fix the dish washer, leave

the bill on the counter, and I‘ll mail you a check.By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside

named Killer; he won‘t bother you.I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the

bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there,

the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn‘t resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don‘t you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him !"
[spam removed by admin]


Last edited by lexforum19780808 on December 3rd, 2008, 5:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Post Posted:: December 3rd, 2008, 7:22 am 

Joined: August 4th, 2007, 10:29 am
Posts: 172
Location: Massachusetts USA
No. 1: A woman is relaxing on the beach after a particularly nasty divorce. She idly picks up a corked bottle that washed up on the beach and uncorks it. Out comes a genie.

"I'll grant you three wishes for freeing me," says the genie, "but there's one condition. Your ex will get double anything you wish for."

"Okay," says the woman. "I wish for one million dollars."

A million dollars materializes in her hand. Somewhere out there, two million dollars appears in front of her ex-husband.

"For my second wish," says the woman, "I want an expensive sports car with all the trimmings."

A sleek sports car materlializes in front of her. Somewhere out here, her perplexed ex finds himself holding the keys to two expensive sports cars.

"You have one wish left," says the genie.

"All right, I'm ready!" says the woman. "Scare me half to death!"


No. 2: A magician is performing nightly on a cruise ship. Every single night the captain's parrot heckles his performance and gives away his secrets. "Awk! He's using mirrors! Awk! It went up his sleeve!"

Finally the magician has had enough. He reaches out to strangle the parrot, but at that moment, an enormous explosion blows the ship to pieces.

When the smoke clears, the magician and the parrot are clinging to the same piece of floating rubble, catching their breath. Finally the parrot catches the magician's eye and squawks, "Okay, I give up. What the h*** did you do with the ship?"


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Post Posted:: December 3rd, 2008, 7:28 am 
LibriVox Admin Team

Joined: January 16th, 2007, 9:23 am
Posts: 13467
Moving to Off Topic.

Lexforum, I must ask you to remove the large graphic and the gaming site link from your sig in accordance with our "no spam" policy.

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Post Posted:: January 7th, 2009, 7:28 pm 

Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Posts: 870
Location: Vancouver Island BC
Two nuns are driving down a highway in Transylvania. At a stop sign a vampyre jumps out at them. The mother superior says to the passenger nun, "quick, show him your cross!" The nun rolls down the window, leans out, and yells "Get out of the way, you stupid git!" :lol:


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Post Posted:: January 7th, 2009, 7:32 pm 

Joined: April 30th, 2006, 2:17 pm
Posts: 16693
Location: Thunder Bay Ontario, Canada
Hazel Pethig wrote:
Two nuns are driving down a highway in Transylvania. At a stop sign a vampyre jumps out at them. The mother superior says to the passenger nun, "quick, show him your cross!" The nun rolls down the window, leans out, and yells "Get out of the way, you stupid git!" :lol:


:lol: :lol:

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people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress,
therefore, depends on unreasonable people." George Bernard Shaw


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Post Posted:: January 7th, 2009, 8:28 pm 

Joined: October 13th, 2008, 7:34 am
Posts: 473
Location: In the hearts of other people.
Q: Why were there bones on the moon?
A: Because the cow didnt quite make it!

A healthy man goes out hunting and brings back a rabbit. "How did you do that" asked a rather stupid man. "I follow tracks I catch rabbits" said the healthy man. A strong man goes out hunting and comes back with a deer. "How did you do that" asked the rather stupid man. "I follow tracks I catch deer" said the strong man. A burly man goes out hunting and comes back with a bear. "How did you do that" asked the rather stupid man. "I follow tracks I catch bear" said the burly man. So thinking the rather stupid man knows everything he needs to know about hunting, the rather stupid man goes out into the woods. I few hours later the rather stupid man comes back all beat up and half dead. "How did you do that?" asked the healthy man, the strong man, and the burly man. The rather stupid man replied "I follow tracks I get hit by a train"

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Last edited by Robinsgirl on January 16th, 2009, 11:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post Posted:: January 11th, 2009, 8:47 am 

Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
Posts: 1026
Location: The here and now
This isn't exactly a joke, but I nearly fell out of my chair laughing when I read it. This is a selection from Wikipedia's article on John Jay.

Washington put his prestige on the line behind the treaty and Hamilton and the Federalists mobilized public opinion. The Senate ratified the treaty by a 20-10 vote (just enough to meet the 2/3 requirement.) Graffiti appeared near Jay's house after the treaty's ratification, reading, "Damn John Jay. Damn everyone that won't damn John Jay. Damn everyone that won't put up the lights in the windows and sit up all nights damning John Jay."[52]

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Post Posted:: January 16th, 2009, 6:55 pm 

Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Posts: 870
Location: Vancouver Island BC
If you say gullible v-e-r-y slowly, it sounds like "green beans"

:lol: :D

--Hazel


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Post Posted:: January 16th, 2009, 8:55 pm 
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Joined: July 14th, 2008, 4:54 pm
Posts: 11801
Location: Nottawasaga Bay
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply.

-----------------------------------------

My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?

Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.

Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."

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Post Posted:: January 16th, 2009, 9:26 pm 

Joined: October 13th, 2008, 7:34 am
Posts: 473
Location: In the hearts of other people.
Hazel Pethig wrote:
If you say gullible v-e-r-y slowly, it sounds like "green beans"

:lol: :D

--Hazel

No it doesnt.....

Edit: oh :shock:

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Post Posted:: January 16th, 2009, 9:37 pm 

Joined: December 17th, 2008, 8:58 am
Posts: 11
Location: Gartengargugwa
Ha Ha! You all should have seen that. I walked into Robin's room to see her saying gul-li-ble over and over and over and over. I nearly died laughing! :lol:

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Post Posted:: January 17th, 2009, 9:38 pm 

Joined: November 30th, 2008, 9:57 pm
Posts: 870
Location: Vancouver Island BC
Robinsgirl wrote:
Hazel Pethig wrote:
If you say gullible v-e-r-y slowly, it sounds like "green beans"

:lol: :D

--Hazel

No it doesnt.....

Edit: oh :shock:


:lol: :lol: :lol: rotfl!!!!

I can't believe someone fell for that.

--Hazel


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Post Posted:: January 17th, 2009, 10:42 pm 

Joined: October 28th, 2007, 10:20 pm
Posts: 1026
Location: The here and now
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ­ even your friends?
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

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Post Posted:: January 18th, 2009, 11:53 am 

Joined: October 13th, 2008, 7:34 am
Posts: 473
Location: In the hearts of other people.
Hazel Pethig wrote:
Robinsgirl wrote:
Hazel Pethig wrote:
If you say gullible v-e-r-y slowly, it sounds like "green beans"

:lol: :D

--Hazel

No it doesnt.....

Edit: oh :shock:


:lol: :lol: :lol: rotfl!!!!

I can't believe someone fell for that.




--Hazel


I am very Gul-li-ble

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Post Posted:: January 18th, 2009, 11:55 am 

Joined: October 13th, 2008, 7:34 am
Posts: 473
Location: In the hearts of other people.
RobinsGIII wrote:
Ha Ha! You all should have seen that. I walked into Robin's room to see her saying gul-li-ble over and over and over and over. I nearly died laughing! :lol:


You fell for it too.......

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